This week I was asked what my values were. It's a pretty interesting question to ponder over when you have time but I was thrown in the deep end and was expected to answer right then and there. To be honest I hadn’t given my values much thought since we lost the business some 18 months ago now.
We’ve been floating around the bottom of Maslow’s triangle of needs for so long that ‘values’ feel like a luxury we can’t afford. The reality is that they‘ve been guiding us this whole time regardless of whether we acknowledge them daily or not. I also have come to understand that we go through seasons which may or may not require a fine tuning of our core values.
When pressed I was able to come up with the following thoughts.
Firstly Matt and I must prioritise our relationship with each other. It's the core relationship that all others branch off from. Being married to one another should be fun. Neither of us want a mediocre relationship but a relationship left unattended will become exactly that. Like anything else in life it takes effort to make a relationship thrive. You don’t get strong without working out and relationships take reps.
When Matt and I decided to close our prefab building company it was because we chose our relationship over the business. It was a really hard decision at the time given the seriousness of the situation but in hindsight we were able to make that decision because we both believed our relationship was more important.
I wish I could say that we’re super good at prioritising ‘us’ all the time but we go through phases when we get distracted by other areas of life. Times when we take each other for granted or don’t appreciate each other enough. Nine times out of ten it comes down to a lack of communication rather than a lack of affection. Every now and then we need to remind each other to speak up and so the other can hear that we’re still grateful for each other.
Our relationship is important because much like putting the oxygen mask on yourself before any infants you’re travelling with, we need to make sure that our relationship is in a good space so we can then give our attention to the kids which leads nicely to the second value. Family.
We’re lucky that despite all the chaos over the last 10 years Matt and I have both prioritised family. There is some heart breaking statistic that 90% of the time you'll spend with your kids happens before they turn 18. I have a colleague whose children are leaving home and she’ll soon have an empty nest - there is a real sense of sadness, as well as happiness for the kids that are living their own life but one day, the kids won’t need us like they do now.
We’ve always tried our hardest to keep the evening and weekend free for the family. Most of the time we are together. Now that the kids are older we can go on side quests which has added another layer to hanging out. Last night for example I went to the library for this Summer Reading Party event. I was going to go alone but Alice wanted to come so we went together. It was lovely! We read together, looked at books and Aliced ended up getting her own library card which was something she’s wanted for ages. Independence is a high priority for her so this was a great event for both of us.
It's a tough balance prioritising Matt and the kids. The reality is that Matt and I need to maintain a super high trust relationship so the kids can get the best of both of us. There are most likely times when Matt would say that I’ve put the kids ahead of him - in fact heaps of times come to think of it. Sometimes the business has to take priority and the kids and I missed out on Matt. Neither of these situations were good times for us. Our best parenting is done in collaboration.
The third value which I made up on the spot but am growing quite fond of is leaving things better than when you found them. This applies to physical spaces and caring for the environment but it also applies for less tangible things like the atmosphere of a space. I love the idea of leaving a room with a better vibe than when I first arrived.
Everyone carries a pretty distinct type of energy around with them. Some people brighten up a space while others make it feel less inviting purely from their presence. I’m not sure how we can work on ‘our vibe’ as an exercise (gratitude training?) but it's important to understand that our attitude has an effect on other people. I think most of us would’ve had friends or colleagues at some stage of our lives who drained the room of its energy. Someone who made you feel worse after being around them. I strive to be a positive influence on my surroundings.
Values are a set of standards that we chose to live by. When our values align with others life gets a lot easier. Matt and I are always making adjustments as our relationship goes from one season to the next and knowing that whatever we do will influence what the kids inherit.
I’m convinced the health of our relationship is reflected in a Monstera plant we have in our bedroom. We bought it years ago and it lived at the factory where it never really did very well at all. Leaves would turn brown and it didn’t matter what I did, it always looked one day away from death. We saved the plant in the liquidation and brought it home where it has finally started to take off. In the last few weeks two brand new leaves have unfurled! I made Matt come and have a look - he doesn’t quite believe in the symbolism as much as me but deep down I know he’s proud. We’ve worked harder than most for our relationship. It's great to know it's still thriving.
