I’m writing this on Thursday evening because I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring. We are supposed to be driving to Bendigo tomorrow and set up a TinyOffice as part of the Tiny House Festival. As of 9.42pm I’ve come to terms with the fact that probably isn’t going to happen.

You see, the last time I was at work, which was only a few hours ago, we had a TinyOffice that was half clad and sitting on scaffolding rather than wheels. Matt and our team were working so hard to get TinyOffice finished and the most helpful thing I could do was make sure the kids were fed and get them home to bed.

Back in the old days, pre-children, this is when Matt and I would pull an all-nighter - we’d work till we collapsed to get a job done. It was exhausting but it was also team building. When there is a real sense of purpose and together, you’re giving it everything you have, the success is so much sweeter.

This time feels different, I’m not sure if it is because the task is so much harder or because my role in the final spirit has changed. The actual building part has been smooth sailing because we used the HUCX Prefab System (which is awesome), it was getting things delivered in a timely manner that really started to stuff things up. The worst thing is that it was my idea. I’m the one who thought it would be a good idea to exhibit as part of the Tiny House Festival, not Matts, not anyone else's. 

When I left work tonight I felt powerless. Seeing that there was so much still to do and understanding that getting the kids to bed was how I could help felt shitty. It's like I lost my job as being Matt’s ‘second in command’.  He is surrounded by people who are far more qualified than me to actually build a Tiny Home but being relegated to the ‘child carer’ somehow feels like I’ve been demoted.

I appreciate that this sounds ridiculous and am quite embarrassed that I’m publicly admitting that in this moment of chaos I’m bringing it back to how I feel and how it affects me but to be honest writing about this sort of shit is what I do best. Experiencing this new, helpless role has to be processed somehow and there is nothing better than a late night brain dump.

I hope Matts’ ok. One of the most heartbreaking things is watching someone you love work as hard as they possibly can and maybe not succeeding. I’m sure he’s getting annoyed at me because everytime I see him, which is many, many times when we work and live together, I ask him if he’s alright. Like seriously ok, deep in his heart of hearts. He always says ‘we’ll be fine babe’... Most of the time we are but sometimes we’re not. Sometimes we’re fucked.

This weekend could be like that. I have no idea how Matt is going, it's now 10.09pm and he’s still not home. I can only hope he’s making progress. I won’t know until tomorrow. We got an email from the event organisers today saying that the whole festival has to be moved because of bogged lawns. At first we thought they might have postponed the event. I think, deep in my belly. I was hoping they had. Don’t tell Matt but that would have been an easy out. It's not that I don’t want to succeed but when succeeding is as hard as it is tonight, I sometimes think we’d be better off without it. That's why Matts is in charge and I’m not!

I like working hard but in a nice, manageable package where each time you are only asked slightly more of the time before. I’m a firm believer in the 1% everyday method. It's slow but eventually you get somewhere. Matt is more of a big ideas type of guy. His relentless optimism has always astounded me and nights like tonight, impress me even more.

I’m not sure if we‘re going to make it to the festival tomorrow. I give 30% yes and 70% no. This is not a failure by any means. Sure we lose some cash but we also gain a TinyOffice and all the lessons that come from undertaking such a humongous task in such a short amount of time. It is also the first time we’ve worked with our new team. Right now, at 10.26pm I’m not sure if it matters if we make it or not. I just hope that Grandma is still happy to take the kids and Matt and I can have a couple of nights in Bendigo. That doesn’t sound so bad right now.

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